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Amidst Extreme Weather, Trump Seeks to Fight Global Colding

Fake News Dispatch from Ace Reporter Stuart Stevens

Citing an ongoing spate of extreme cold weather events over the past two weeks, the Trump administration has announced a new initiative to combat Global Colding.

In its statement signaling its Fight Global Colding Strategy, the administration declared, “We celebrate the new year by marshalling all our resources to fight the changes to our planet that are hurting our more privileged citizens and driving up the heating costs for thousands of economy-contributing corporations.”

Among the key elements of this policy are:

  • A task force to study and report out on instances of extreme cold weather; the administration did not state who would participate in this group

  • Increased federal investment and support for coal mining and production, which would (in the words of the press release) “stoke up the planet and make it safe for everyone”

  • A publicity campaign encouraging Americans to “take to the roads this winter”

  • A second publicity campaign calling on “all responsible and even irresponsible gun owners to go hunting, visit firing ranges, and unload their weapons in record numbers, so that we can drive up local temperatures”

When asked, during the daily White House press conference, why the administration believed the planet was getting colder but not scientific evidence pointing in the other direction, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated,

This is another example of fake news looking for the bad news in a good news story. The stock market is breaking records, and President Trump’s approval ratings are higher than any modern president. This administration has made clear from the very beginning that his objective is to make America great again for all white citizens.

In his daily tweets, the President referred to this new policy but also took a swipe at recurring enemies:

New GLOBAL Colding policy will MAGA!! Unlike crooked Hillary & Illegitimate Obama who never did anything to solve this problem. New year looking very good for ME!

In conjunction with the new policy, presidential daughter Ivanka Trump released a new line of cold weather fashion gear from her exclusive collection, including branded parkas, muffs, mittens, scarves, and insulated tiaras.

Other parts of the executive branch are also working to support this policy. Scott Pruitt, Secretary of the Environmental Protection Agency, stated, “Finally, the science is clear and aligned with this administration’s objectives.” He declared that all seven EPA staff members would go into the field and “personally remove all heat trapping devices on our nation’s factories.”

Treasury Secretary Stephen Munchkin, spotted emerging from his weekly Plutocrat Luncheon (limited to those with net worth of $250 billion and above), stated that his department was fully aligned with the Fight Global Colding Strategy. He recommended that citizens everywhere burn dollar bills, “in all denominations”.

“This is something my rich wife Louise and I do all the time, just for fun,” he told reporters. “The higher the amount the better; you can’t imagine what a rush it is to incinerate a bunch of hundred dollar bills. And if you do it now, you have the additional benefit of helping warm our country during this frigid time.”

Energy Department Secretary Rick Perry also stated that he would support the new policy, “as soon as I find out how our department works and how energy affects heat.”

A number of Congressional Republicans were ecstatic about the new strategy. “It’s a great day when we can finally use selective science to get our point across,” stated House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R, CA).

Senator John Boozman (R, AR) agreed. “To all those climate skeptics out there, the last few days have provided conclusive evidence. The planet is getting colder, and we need to go all in to heat it back up.”

In his final tweet of the day, President Trump made a final push to publicize the new initiative:

Ignore Fake news and fake investigations, our policies will make this year the GREATest in history! I guarantee 2018 will be the hottest on record!!!

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