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Male Predator Backlash - Should the President be Worried?


Fake News Dispatch from Ace Reporter Stuart Stevens

Roy Fullerbush, of Middletown, Tennessee, wants his neighbors to know that he’s still a loyal Republican.

“I still toe the full party line,” he insists. “No to abortion, prayer in schools, guns, white supremacy, the whole bit. However, there is one place where the President has gone too far.”

Fullerbush was alluding, of course, to Trump’s recent statement that it was not his voice on the infamous Access Hollywood video, bragging about groping and sexually assaulting women. Previously, Trump had admitted that the voice was his, and now males like Fullerbush feel disillusioned.

“The Trump on that tape was the guy I know, the guy I voted for,” Fullerbush states. “Now that he says he no longer said it, I have to say that I can’t say I'll be supporting him any more."

Fullerbush is part of the local chapter in his state, Tennesseeans United for Sexual Harassment (TUSH), whose members seek (according to the group’s founding charter) “to uphold men’s rights to take whatever liberties God entitles them to take”. The group regularly meets monthly and has semi-annual outings to the state capitol, Knoxville, during which each man grabs as many women as he can during a weekend. While group members felt that Trump’s actions brought their actions into the mainstream, his recent disavowal makes them wonder.

“You can’t trust anyone anymore,” laments Gregg Gumbunnie, the President of TUSH. “We used to take the president at his word, but now that we don’t know if he actually took a stand and groped women, it’s hard to know what to believe. And I flat out guarantee you that this is what cost the Honorable Roy Moore his election in Alabama. All the real men stayed home.”

Affiliated groups in other states are similarly alarmed. In Oklahoma, the Bryan County Chapter of the movement (BUSH) recently convened an emergency meeting to discuss Trump’s recent reversal. In a statement released to the press, BUSH “condemned the president of these United States for going back on men everywhere in our privilege to take full advantage of women.”

BUSH, TUSH, and HUSH--Harmon County (Kansas) United for Sexual Harassment--recently co-wrote a press release calling on Trump to "repudiate his repudiation of his appropriate exercise of male sexual privilege."

“It’s our god given right,” asserts Dwayne McInninny, the Bryan County chapter spokesperson. “Read your bible. Adam took advantage of Eve. Sodom slept with Gomorrah. You can’t change nature, and you can’t change history.”

Indeed, following Trump’s statement that the voice on the Access Hollywood tapes was not his, Republican support for the President dropped 5% nationwide. McInninny attributes it to Trump’s equivocation. McInniny’s wife Ginny, the Chairwoman of the BUSH’s Women’s Auxiliary Group agrees.

“We need to trust our leaders to clean that swamp over there in Washington,” she declared at a recent women’s tea. “We support honesty, family values, and the values of real Americans. And who can trust anybody who doesn’t believe that sometimes boys will be boys.”

When asked for a response on whether it was concerned about this loss of support and the Moore defeat in Alabama, the White House declined to comment. However, Treasury Secretary Stephen Munchkin, at his weekly hedge fund cigar club meeting, assured his fellow members, "I'm confident the President will continue to rely on support from sexual harassers everywhere, and that support is mutual."

In other parts of the country, men are less critical of the President’s statement, though still somewhat wary. “He’s got a lot on his plate,” explains Eddington Crane, of Humboldt, Kentucky. Crane, President of Sexual Predators Expanding the Rights of Men (SPERM). “He’s got all those cabinet meetings, and people coming into his office, dinners, and golf games.”

Crane added, however, that his group is watching Trump carefully. “He’s either got to take back what he said, or start groping the girls again, for him to build back the trust.”

Back in Middletown, Tennessee, Roy Fullerbush is resigned to the idea that things are changed forever, and that Trump has sold out to “politically correct Washington liberal elite latte drinking values”. Still, he feels optimistic about the future. “After all,” he smiles, “I'm sure we have other Roy Moores out there.”


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